Five Dollar Foot Long: Better than Sex

It’s five dollars. And it’s a foot long.

Except today I saved half of the doughy goodness for a meal later in the day. Six inches to be exact. Little did I know I’d compare the Five Dollar Foot Long to Sex for the rest of my life after the events that transpired.

This day was bound to come and it came, and like a stale memory on the tip of my tongue, the bland undertones of the freshly baked white bread complimented the saltiness of the fatty cold cuts of the original meal and permeated my mind.

Delight. Pure tastelicious bliss.

Join again with your long lost twin in the cavern of my gut, oh delicious Subway Five Dollar Foot Long.

How you tempt me so with your spice, toastiness and tender white breasts. Your buns may be saying no but your 44oz mega gulp says I may have just won some indescribable prize that forces me to log onto subway.com and enter my code to attain any relevant information. And in my book, that’s a green light.

Fast forward ten minutes… About the same amount of time it takes to realize I’ve been sitting at a green light for ten minutes fantasizing about a four-hour-old refrigerated half-eaten sub.

Delight. Pure tastelicious bliss.

I can only imagine it now as I’ve been driving, only glancing quickly like a nervous or angry monkey probably would as to not let it catch me staring awkwardly in it’s direction.

My senses are heightened at this point, and my nerves have prepared me to fight or fly or feast. It’s hereditary. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

Don’t tell the distraction that came running across the intersection where I had exited the freeway that I would have rather run him over, but it’s as if he could sense the delight. The pure tastelicious bliss that had been slowly coming to ambient temperature in the safety of the passenger seat had somehow summoned him towards my car.

Fate had taken it’s cruel cruel course, and like all things that I’ve once loved that I’ve had to give up to unshaven transients, I had to let it happen again.

Obliged, the tattered man gladly accepted the expected gift, walked back to the corner of the freeway offramp with his cardboard sign and turned back.

Smiling, he said,

“This is better than sex right now.”